New Stepdads

by Ron L. Deal

Imagine that it's your first day at a new job. Excited about the opportunity, you show up early. But upon arriving, you discover that no one has done anything to arrange for your employment. There's an empty office, but there's no one around to explain your job description, nor do they provide guidance on how your job fits in with the company's mission. You talk to your team members only to discover that they have differing opinions as to your role, goals and even whether you should be there. A few are excited to see you, while others believe you to be a rascal moving in for a hostile takeover. Most resent the changes happening around them. By noon your enthusiasm has been pulverized, and you're left wondering if taking this job was a mistake.

As a stepdad, you have been "hired" for a very important job. And yet despite its significance, the work environment you have acquired is sometimes very confusing. Being successful as the new person in this "company" depends heavily on finding your fit, identifying your responsibilities and objectives, and buddying up with your allies. As you face your new job, consider how you might implement these qualities of smart, successful stepdads:

Trust God to lead. I often think that the one universal negative experience of stepdads is the feeling of uncertainty. If you find yourself wondering what to do and how to go about it, you're not alone.

From a spiritual standpoint, uncertainty is an invitation to faith. God always uses our "I don't know what to do's" to invite us to trust Him more — and we should. Don't anguish because you don't know what to do. Ask God to show you. Don't panic in your uncertainty and give up on your family. Find comfort and direction in His Word.

Know your place. A smart stepdad understands that there is an inherent dilemma to his task: How can you be Dad when you're not their dad? Obviously, you can't. Even if the biological dad is deceased, you will never replace him, so don't try. Recognize that a huge step toward gaining your stepchildren's respect comes from respecting their relationship with their father and not positioning yourself in competition with him.

Understand the limitations in your job description. It's not your responsibility to undo the past. Years of poor parenting from your wife or her ex-husband, the negative consequences of divorce, or the pain children experience when a father dies is not yours to resolve. Come alongside children in these situations and try to offer a positive influence over time, but don't start out trying to be the knight in shining armor. Just love them.

Round off rough edges. In my experience working with stepfamilies, the No. 1 predictor of strong marriages is the absence of rough personality characteristics in the couple. Most of the time, this applies to relationships with stepchildren as well. Being stubborn, critical, controlling, moody, jealous, short-tempered — these are the rough edges that prohibit closeness. To make any progress, you must work at softening these elements of your personality that stand in the way of a healthy relationship.

Partner with your wife. She needs to believe that you are committed to and care about her, her children and their past experiences. Therefore, do a lot of listening before injecting your opinion; demonstrate an authentic appreciation for all she has done to provide for her children. When you do offer advice, especially early in your marriage, be sure to reveal your heart's intentions first. Base suggestions on a genuine love and concern for the well-being of the family and its future.

Early on, let your wife handle discipline. Leadership and the ability to offer discipline that shapes character are a function of emotional attachment with a child. Making rules without a foundational relationship sabotages your level of respect and subverts what you are trying to teach.

Many stepdads mistakenly assume that not taking the lead is a sign of weakness. Actually, it is an indication of strategic wisdom and strength. So while you take the time to build a solid relationship and gradually move into discipline, trust your wife to continue being the primary disciplinarian of her kids.

Be equitable in parenting. It's normal to enter a blended family having a closer relationship with your own kids, but try to avoid showing favoritism. Treat all children fairly.

Don't go it alone. An effective stepdad will surround himself with a band of brothers — a fellowship of other men with whom he is open and honest about life. You cannot do this alone. You desperately need other men to walk with you on this journey, men who have "meddling" rights to help you stay on the right path with the right attitude.

Remain engaged. Through the years, I've worked with many disengaged stepdads and their families. The reasons for their drift varied: Some had a "these aren't my kids" attitude; others simply didn't know how to engage people in general, let alone stepchildren. Still others found themselves paralyzed by the guilt of not being around their biological children. Many stepdads find that once they've disengaged, they can't find their way back.

If you have become disengaged, you can't stay that way; you hold an important role in your stepkids' lives. By marrying their mother, you've been positioned as a role model, friend, teacher and mentor. The specifics of how intimate your role will become cannot be predicted, but you have a responsibility to make the most of the opportunities you are given.

Watch Ron Deal talk more about stepparenting in this related video.

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