"My first Mother's Day as a stepmom," my friend Michelle shared, "and I didn't even get a card."
Michelle's disappointment is all too common. Though stepmoms do all the same tasks that biological mothers do — helping with homework, doing laundry, baking cupcakes for school — recognition from the children for those efforts is often slow to arrive. As a fellow stepmom shared with me recently, "I have all the work of being a parent, but few of the rewards associated with being a mom."
The sting of being taken for granted is especially keen on Mother's Day, that time of the year when every mom should feel appreciated. As a stepmom for more than 25 years, I've experienced my fair share of Mother's Day disappointments. Along the way, I've learned a few things that have helped me greet this potentially embittering May Sunday with a smile — or at least not a scowl:
Keep your expectations realistic. I've learned not to expect my stepsons to honor me on Mother's Day. Though I've helped in mothering them, I'm not their mother. They have a biological mom who has put in years of her own hard work. It is right that she should receive the boys' attention.
Remember, it's a tough day for the kids, too. Having grown up in a blended family, I've experienced firsthand the tension children feel when honoring a stepmom on Mother's Day. That tension can actually feel like disloyalty, as if appreciating a stepmom somehow lessens their love for their biological mother.
Enjoy your husband's gratitude. While the kids are off to lunch with their biological mom, allow your husband to do something special for you. They're his kids, after all, and his efforts to honor you are a recognition of the time you've spent working to help raise them.
True, some husbands need help recognizing the importance of their role on Mother's Day. After all, he has his own mother that he'll need to pay attention to, and honoring his wife on Mother's Day may seem to him a bit out of character. If that's the case with your man, nudge him in the right direction. As one stepmom recently shared with me, "Every year I've explained to my husband that Mother's Day was a day for him to show me how much he appreciated me being a good stepmother to his daughter. I kept at it. He eventually understood."
Although being overlooked by your stepchildren is common, not all stepmoms face this disappointment. For some, Mother's Day is a wonderful experience. Ellen, a friend of mine, shared, "On my first Mother's Day, his girls took me out for breakfast, and they gave me a beautiful card with sweet, tender words. It brought tears to my eyes." Too often, though, this is the exception and not the rule.
Blended families include varying measures of grief and loss, which causes children to respond differently to stepparents. It's not uncommon for one stepchild to honor and enjoy having a stepmom, while a sibling hates the idea. Whether Mother's Day is a good or bad day, it's wise for stepmoms to keep in mind that it's only one day out of the year. And you and your husband are in it together.
~ See all articles for blended families. ~
This article originally appeared in the Summer, 2011 issue of Thriving Family magazine and was titled "An Awkward Day in May." Copyright © 2011 by Laura Petherbridge. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com.
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